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Book I: Sinning Tree, the Poisoned Fruit of God. Prologue. (A Pokémon Fanfiction)

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Book I: Sinning Tree, the Poisoned Fruit of God. Prologue. (A Pokémon Fanfiction)

Post by Jain vi Bookshelvia on Wed Feb 26, 2014 4:48 pm

Ah, Vermillion City. The red port town has always been one of the more favorable locations in Kanto for me. The salted seaside air reminded me of home and the international culture of its harbor made it more so. Too bad I could not enjoy that luxury; I had just arrived from Saffron. At least the staff was thorough with their complimentary concessions.

They even had imported Castelia Cones and Lava Cookies.

Nibbling on the latter, I checked my pocket watch.

At least they let me keep some of my accessories.

I never did like civilian clothes too much. I wore a maroon sweater and faded black jeans, trying to appear like one of the campus students. It wasn’t too difficult since the enrolled here were upper class so my aristocratic cheekbones and chin were somewhat well hidden. My hair wasn’t exactly attention catching either, medium length cut to have bangs on the sides of my face. Maroon eyes weren’t uncommon either, so that shouldn’t be an issue. My unnaturally pale skin might have been one, but this sweater should be able to cover that. The straps of the backpack tugging on my shoulders, making myself lean forward more than I should.

Usually, coming here would be a trip of leisure. It’s hard to find foreign confections around Indigo. Yet, here I am; waiting on that promiscuous colleague of mine.

Lorelei had informed that both Nedholm and I were to give a lecture at the newly instated university at Vermillion.

Two centuries ago, the idea of higher education would’ve been scoffed off as wistful thinking. Of course, times have changed and this has been made into a reality. The League had high hopes for this experimental project; especially when considering the sheer amount of funds they had committed to it and the shallow pool of our treasury.

Personally, a generation of sheltered stuck-up arrogant children did not seem appealing.

I would know, seeing as I was one back in my younger years.

Wiping the crumbs off my lip with a napkin, I walked over to the trash bin and threw in the waste. I reached for my Xtransciever and flicked its screen. ’10:15’, it read.

I scowled. It was to be expected, his habits did tend to leave him... indisposed in the mornings.

Still rude though. Perhaps I should give that Wynaut of his another-

A creak echoed through the waiting room; the well-furnished doors slid open and someone had entered.

His unkempt mid-length hair looked more messy than usual; complimented by his dark brown stubble and half-asleep earthy eyes. Atop his head were a pair of worn Go-Goggles, several scratches on its faded orange lens. His green vest, riddled with numerous pockets, was decorated with a fissure design on its back. His orange T-shirt was wrinkled and stained in small and questionable patches. His brown travelling pants rivaled the vest with the pockets it had, also stained like the shirt. Multi-terrain boots clicked against the hard wooden floors as he walked over.

“You’re late.”

He shrugged. “And you weren’t expecting this?”

I did. “Later than usual late.”

“There were two this time.”

I cringed. That would explain the odor. “Well, let’s get you changed. You have to look somewhat dignified for today.”

“And what are you wearing?”

“I’m going to be wearing one of those grunt uniforms”, I frowned at the thought of them. “You recall, the-“

“You mean the visor and spandex? Why do you get the sexy outfits and I'm stuck with the casuals... Do I at least get to wear a polo?"

If I had my way, I’d be more than willing to exchange positions. “If they have one, I suppose you can.”

I was picking at the seat of my tight suit, the black fabric hugging at places much too intimate. The outfit was intended for those who had body muscle and definition; I had neither. My slim and unremarkable stature was further emphasized with this. The gloves were not much better; they were a size too big and the fingers somewhat flopped with each movement. I moved the visor back in place, having slipped from its position. The black lens reflecting off the brightly lit ceiling lights above me.

I heard a snicker behind me. Ned had already changed in the other room. His green polo shirt hid his modestly built torso and I could still make out the hidden knife on his left calf through the brown slacks. The polished black dress shoes and shaved face made him look unnaturally clean to me; I was more familiar with the image of him with some form of grime on his person.

“I take it that you’re ready?” A nod came from Ned. “Very well, the brunch should be starting soon and I’d like to leave a good impression.”

The meal was suffocating and exasperating. While I was amused by the staff pestering Nedholm with questions about his breakthroughs and travels, the condescending looks from these soft civilians were drawing my ire.

There was a phrase I remember hearing from that rookie that was always around Bruno; how did it go again…? Something about a proper reeducation or something along those lines.

I never did appreciate slang. More than likely never will.

Speaking of slang, the lecture hall was filled with the students. I recognized several of them, most of them children of the politicians or celebrities that I had encountered in my more public occupation.

Both of which were equally unpleasant.

And on that topic, I could hear the dean making way for our introductions.

“… And today, we have two special guests here at our institution. The first is the co-author of revolutionary titles such as “On the Origin of Pokémon by Means of Natural Evolution” and “A Guideline to Seviian Antiquity”; it is my pleasure to introduce Mr. Nedholm.”

The following applause was one that I heard all too often; it felt forced and half-hearted, almost as if the students couldn't care less about the current speaker if they tried.

Oh, wait, they couldn't. The real reason they're bothering to attend this assembly was for me.

If I shared their same enthusiasm, I’d almost feel eager.

"Pokémon: a world of mystery and wonder. Nobody is sure when..."

I've heard this before, probably as often as he has himself.

In fact, I can tell he's even rehearsed his body motions to appear somewhat interested in his trade in front of these plebeians.

Much too stiff compared to his slob of a person.

The audience was not any better in comparison. I could see the ‘attentive listeners’ robotically nod their heads as they played around with their phones behind the seat in front of them.

After all, no one would smile like that while looking down at their groin.

Well, perhaps Ned.

Leaving that train of thought.

"Recently, a colleague of mine did some further excavation..."

I looked around backstage to see if anyone was paying any attention towards my person. Finding no one, I picked at the sweat-soaked body suit.

This building employed the latest and most modern technologies available to the public and they could not provide any air conditioning to an area of mass assembly?

I wonder if this was built by that raving idiot madman that died a few weeks ago. I recall something about him and his Machop roaming the grounds around here for the past decade or so.

"... be assured, it will crack the door wide open."

More dead applause.

I could see Ned tapping his foot agitatedly behind the podium, glancing at the dean as if he were demanding his due. I’m sure that he knew that there wasn’t one, but the bumbling man did not catch the cue. He leisurely took his time dismissing Ned off stage, the archaeologist glared daggers into his back.

His scowl only deepened as he passed by me. “This’d better get added into my paycheck.”

I smirked. “You can ask Lorelei if that’s the case. They’ve already sent the payment towards Indigo.”

His silence was all that much sweeter as I dropped another bomb while I stepped away.

“Oh, and she found out about who spread the “icy cooter” rumor.”

“And for our second speaker, he’s an accomplished representative directly from the Indigo Plateau. Again, it is my pleasure to introduce Agent Foxtrot to the podium.”

The applause started off loud, its rapid and loud rhythm made its decay all the more amusing. I took a moment to look through the audience, faces of disbelief spread throughout them all.

The stereotype of a League Agent’s usually that of a Pokémon Ranger; altruistic and athletic men who capture the hearts of Pokémon and women alike while dodging Bullet Seeds riding a Rapidash backwards.

Sorry kids, you don’t get what you want.

“Seeing as you’re here, I’m assuming that you think you have what it takes to become a Pokémon Master; how you think you can become number one. The Pokémon League accepts nothing less than the best of the very best. And as of now, none of you are even close-“

"What a bunch of crap!" The auditorium echoed with a disgruntled voice.

Oh boy, here we go. A jock stood up from the back, shoving a finger in my direction.

"You've got the nerve to tell -me-* that? I am the best battler in the whole school! Who are you? Just some pathetic loser who couldn't make it like the big shots. Well, if the League lets scrubs like you in, I'm out. Forget this!"

I grinned under the face mask. How convenient, someone who doesn’t know any better. Time to show this fool the pecking order. “And I am to assume that you’re a big shot around here? Strange, I’d recognize you if you had some history. I apologize that your face doesn’t leave an impression. You already know my name; care to give me yours?”

He gave an exaggerated snort, tossing another finger towards me. "The name’s Walter. Now, if you don’t mind, 'Foxtrot', I've got more important things to do." The student turned his back and headed towards the aisle, his buddies also rising to join him.

Such hubris, I’m going to enjoy this more than I should. “Oh, I’m sure you do. Just humor this humble ‘Foxtrot’ for a moment. How about a battle? I’ll even offer you a chance of directly challenging the Elite Four if you’re able to defeat me. No need to travel to all of those faraway gyms, an easy pass through the Victory Road; the whole shebang.”

They all looked eager at that proclamation. "In fact, this offer applies to anyone who believes themselves worthy of the Elite Four challenge. By all means, line up in order outside at the school battling grounds.”

Laughter boomed throughout the building as a wide grin burst onto his face, visible from the stage. "Oh, this is rich. If your definition of humor is getting pummeled into the ground, I'll gladly entertain you! Let's go, Foxxy. Outside." He beckoned towards the door, even holding it open for me like some sort of sick joke.

How chivalrous, I felt like a princess being escorted down the aisle to her carriage. I strolled out of the auditorium with the student body and teaching staff behind me.

The hothead, now literally with how he wiped his brow, took his place on the red platform as I stood atop the green one.

One particular voice drew my attention; an all too familiar one excitedly announcing bets and odds.

Fine. If he wanted something extra for his paycheck, he’ll earn it.

“Ned!” I called out into the stands. “Get your ass over here.”

Many puzzled expressions could be seen throughout the crowd, transforming into howls of laughter as they realized it was a nickname for the archaeologist.

I turned back to the jock. “We’ll make this a two-on-two multi battle. Find one of your little boy-toys and let’s get this show underway.”

"THIS is your scheme, your master plan? To have some washed-up bookworm fight with you? Not a problem, Foxxy. Carter!" Ned stumbled to the front of the crowd, people still tugging at his polo, wrinkling it into a more recognizable state on my colleague. "But Foxtrot, I've got five-to-one odds against you! They'll go even higher if you take them both on!"

I reach for my belt to grab a pokéball.  “And that sounds like it’s not my problem.”

He groaned in fake protest, but his eyes betrayed the objection. Ned was itching to whip these fools silly as much as I.

I eyed the opposition and hid a snort of amusement. Matching sweater vests and slacks, they even shared the same smug expression. And that cologne… just my luck that I was downwind from here.

I think I’ll go with Tom this match. The Gengar would take dubious pleasure in this.

I threw out his Pokéball and the Shadow Pokémon gave me his usual Cheshire grin. He adjusted the bowtie I had all my Pokémon wear, this one red, and grinned even more so when he saw Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dum.

Twiddle Dee held onto his smirk while Twiddle Dum’s fell a bit as he saw my ghost.

Adorable. Morale’s already going down.

“We shall reveal our Pokémon first.” I nodded at Ned. “After all, you two are the big shots and it would be rude if someone as lowly as myself to take advantage of such a situation.”

"Pulling me down with you as always..." Ned whined in his usual manner, that silly grin contradicting his words. He pulled one of his own Pokéballs from his belt and threw it onto the field. So he chose Sandslash, eh? Somewhat predictable, but a good choice nonetheless.

"A Poison-type and a Ground-type... You're making this too easy! Go, Aerodactyl!"

His partner regained some his confidence, since that dumb look reapplied itself back onto his face. “Sneasel, sic’ em!”

Oh? Now how did he get his grubby hands on an Aerodactyl? Mommy and Daddy must’ve been quite eager to please little Wally there. How droll.

And a Sneasel to go with it. Sensible, seeing as it’s effective against both Gengar and Sandslash. However, that’s where experience comes into play.

The Dean made his way through the crowd and offered himself as the judge of the match. “This is a two-on-two multi battle between Walter and Carter against Agent Foxtrot and Mr. Nedholm. Once your Pokémon is unable to battle, you are finished, and your partner will have to fend for himself. Do both parties abide by the rules set forth?” The two men on the green platform nodded, and the students followed suit from the red side. “Very well, begin!”

“Aerodactyl, let’s snuff out the blob with a Crunch!”

“Sneasel, you use Night Slash on it too!”

Oh dear me, whatever shall I do? Two frontal attacks towards my lonesome Gengar.

Oh wait, he isn’t so lonesome, now is he?

“Tom, get ready.” The dual Ghost/Poison type nodded in acknowledgment. He dashed forwards towards the oncoming jaws of the flying saurian Pokémon. Just before the attack landed, the ghost faded away and a shot of Night Shade blasted the Sneasel into the enclosing fangs of the Aerodactyl.

Looks of frustration, anger, and disbelief came from the red platform across the field. Walter looked about ready to punch his friend when Ned spoke.

"Wind her up! Defense Curl, Sandslash!" Ned commanded, the shrew balling up, his spines pointing out threateningly.

So that’s his plan? Fine, I’m up for a bit of a mind screw. “Sorry Tom, Skill Swap.”

The Gengar ceased his cackling and omitted strands of light between him and his partner. He floated down onto the ground while the Sandslash began to lift slowly into the air.

"That's cute, Foxxy. Real cute. But you seemed to have forgotten your weakness to Ground-type attacks without levitation, like a rookie! Aerodactyl, Use Earthquake! And don't miss this time!" Walter snarled at the Fossil Pokémon, malice in his voice.

Carter snapped back into attention after staring at the levitating Sandslash. “Oh um, right. Power up with some Hone Claws and then Ice Punch!”

More frontal approaches, it’s as if these two never heard of tact. “I’ll have something for you later, Tom. You know what to do.”

The Gengar sighed in resignation and stood still as the Earthquake landed a punishing blow. As the ghost collapsed, his body glowed a ghastly purple. The Aerodactyl began to shiver as the same aura that the Gengar emitted shrouded it as well. The Rock/Flying type fainted soon after.

I waved my finger back and forth tauntingly. “And you forgot about Destiny Bond. Like a rookie.”

Walter's eyes glared hatred in our direction, visibly enraged at his humiliation. Shouts and yells and unruly noises echoed across the campus, dying down once he regained his calm. Finally, a smug sureness could be seen from his body language, clearly thinking he'd won. Fools foolishly fooled by their own foolishness...

"Hahahaha! It still doesn't matter, Foxxy! That Sneasel still has the type advantage on your sheep's floating rat! Hurry up and finish this, Carter!"

Sneasel launched itself upward, the empowered Ice Punch leaving behind a crystalline trail in its wake. The cheers and gasps from the school grounds were drowned out by Sneasel's hooked claw making impact on Sandslash's spines, screeching like diamond cutting into glass.

The noise cuts off and the Dark/Ice type jumps back to the opposing battleground. It cradled its left arm, a large hairline fracture could be seen in the claw from my stand.

Poor thing. Better have Ned put it out of its misery then.

Carter’s complexion paled several shades. "What?! H-how... that's impossible!"

"Well, it's been fun, kid. I mean, for me, not for you.” Ned shrugged. “As for you, everyone important to you is laughing. Rollout!"

The levitating Ground type shot down towards the still-recovering Sneasel, knocking it before its shell-shocked trainer’s feet.  

“Winners: Foxtrot and Nedholm!”

As if there was any doubt. I headed back towards the staff lounge as soon as the match outcome was declared. I could care less about those fools and their equally droll peers.

There was a room with air conditioning and refreshments calling my name.

A hand grabbed me by the shoulder. "Not so fast, Foxxy."

Oh Reshiram. “What is it, Ned?”

"You said you'd give everyone a chance. We've still got a crowd, man! Where's your performer's attitude?"

It’s on leave, like your sense of decency.

“Very well, since I did technically start this farce, I’ll end it too.” And quickly. Now who to choose for battle? I think I’ll go with Lumierre. It should be amusing, watching him roast these children with mild prejudice.

The Chandelure materialized beside me, looking around to appraise the situation. He turned back to me, narrowing his yellow eyes in displeasure. Master, surely you jest.

I chuckled at his irritation. “I’d like you to defeat these cretins with humiliating and non-lethal means. You’re the best at what you do, after all.”

The Unovan Ghost brightened considerably at that. Well, as bright as a vindictive spirit like him could. He cackled, much more sinisterly than Tom, and calmed himself. I shall do your praise justice, Master.

Ned cracked a grin upon seeing Lumierre, a lit fire burning in his eyes with similar intensity as the Pokémon before him. "Oh, we're playing with the big guns, are we?" He recalled the flying Sandslash and raised a fist to the sky, bringing it down in a swift pump.

Compound eyes watching from the top of the department building saw this motion, and a shrill roar followed. A green figure darted towards the clearing, landing in a cloud of dust. The Pokémon's wingbeat continued, generating a soft buzz and stirring up the dirt below.

"Let the main event begin!"

Oh, he did not just steal my thunder.

I sighed to myself, leaving the faculty lounge, now attired in my civilian wear.

Those battles took far too long, even with Lulu’s enthusiastic vigor. I doubt that it was satisfying for the grudging Chandelure, but he’s earned a nice treat to himself, alongside Phantom, for his performance today.

I paused mid-thought as a caught a whiff of a particular scent, one that I had no choice but to associate myself with.

An odor comprised of alcohol, cologne and human pheromones. Without turning to face him, I muttered “I don’t care what you’ve seen this time, Ned. We’re not staying here for a moment longer.”

"But it's college, Jain! They're free, out into the world, avoiding the ever-watchful parental eye. This is the finest opportunity of a lifetime. You'd deny me that?" Ned more or less pranced over to my side, giddy with the thoughts of barely legal teens.

I would deny you that and more. “You can sire bastards on your own time.” I paused, noticing the unusually stern expression on his face. “Is something the matter?”

He buried his hands within his pockets, staring forward. "Yes, actually. Gengar. How is he?" Our walking pace slowed once we were on the grounds again, heading towards the exit.

I blinked. Gengar? What about Tom? Was it one of his antics again?

Perhaps not, Ned seemed genuinely concerned.

Ah, right. The Destiny Bond.

“He’s fine.” I shrugged in indifference. “It’s a small stage trick I used. You’re familiar with move Curse, correct?”

"You don't mean..?" Ned's face froze in shock, before putting on that cheeky grin of his. "You son of a bitch. When did he learn how to do that?"

I shook my head at his ignorance. "You're asking when my Pokemon learned how to perform pratfalls. While you're at it, you can also ask where your inhibitions go when you’re around women.”

He gave me a light punch in the shoulder. "Just take the compliment, you extravagant ass. Are you sure you don't want to stay at the port a little, catch some sea air before we head back?"

Despite my efforts, I could not restrain the small smile that broke through my self-control. "I suppose. The atmosphere has been stifling, I could use a bit of refreshing."

The boardwalk was crowded with tourists, especially so this time of year with the S. S. Aqua’s bi-weekly visits.

Today happened to be one of them.

Sipping from some lemonade, I walked through the crowd until I reached the end of the pier. The sun had begun to set in the distance, the buildings’ shadow cast over the colorful wooden boards alongside my path. Everyone had left towards the attractions seeing that I was alone at the moment.

I wonder if Ned had noticed I left him at that vending machine.

That flirting was becoming obnoxious.

Leaning against the shade, I took another sip from the canned drink.

Closing my eyes and taking in a deep breath, I expected the cool, crisp sea air taste to soothe myself.

Instead, I inhaled something far more foul and odious.

Like something had been rolling in ammonia and someone had decided to set it on fire.

What on earth was that stench?

I opened my eyes to see another bumbling into the area.

The man looked ragged, his earthen hair and beard hiding most of his face. His eyes were dilated and unfocused, as if he were looking at two separate things at once. His clothes were browned, patches and stains completely covered both coat and slacks. His shoes were as brown as his ensemble, with small holes and stains on them as well.

Well, that answers that question.

He came closer and asked me, “Please, sir, got any Poké?” He belched; I winced further as the smell grew worse. “I only need a lil’.”

He reached into a nearby shrub to pull out a Weedle and began suckling on its rear stinger.

The poisonous worm looked as confused as I was.

I discreetly released Phantom’s Pokéball from my belt and released him into the open. I motioned a hand signal behind my back and could feel the familiar
chilling sensation of the Ghost-type retreating into my shadow.

The Weedle had scrunched its face, red and tense as the stranger continues slurping at its stinger.

I wasn’t quite sure whether or not if I should stop this. The bug was either in extreme agony or pleasure.

Alas, I most likely will have to. I’d rather not be nagged at later if they heard I let a civilian die because I did not prevent the Weedle from ‘blowing its load’.

Reshiram, did I actually think that?

I need to purge that pervert out of my mind when this is all over.

I stepped forward slowly, trying not to aggravate the Weedle. “Sir, I’m going to ask that you put that Pokémon down.”

The haggard man paused and turned to face me. His lips left the Weedle and he gave me a wretched smile, his teeth crooked and cankerous.

He then grabbed the bug by its abdomen and stabbed the stinger into his right upper arm. The creature cried out a gurgle and visibly deflated shortly after.

That smile never left.

He collapsed face first into the topsoil, the Weedle still attached to his arm. He lay there, unmoving.

What. Just happened.

“Sir, are you alright…?”

I began to make my way towards the seemingly unconscious man, not sure what to make of this.

The shriek of a bird of prey halted my advancement.

Two Spearow had landed besides the man, their beady eyes looking over his fallen form.

They then looked at one another and gripped the Weedle by the talons and lifted into the air.

The man was still firmly stuck with the stinger, taking off with the Flying-types towards the mountains in the east.

I need a drink.

“Tom, please tell me I was hallucinating.”

Judging by the shaking of my shadow, I assumed he enjoyed this far more than I did.

Pinching the bridge of my nose once more, I made my way back to the vending machine.

“So, ahh, I'm taking a cruise-liner back to the Sevii Islands in a few days. I'd really enjoy it if you accompanied me."

The redhead, an impressive beauty for her age, blushed and shook her head, pointing a finger in my direction. Ned, being a libidinous Houndour, clasped her hand and pleaded. "Please, it'll be wonderful! Drinks will be free, the rooming is fantastic, and the islands are gorgeous, much like yourself."

She was taken aback, and used her free hand to point at me once more. Finally, the scumbag - not that she knew - took the time to notice my presence.

I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled at his impertinence. “Anytime now.”

Ned took a quick glance at me, then back to the woman, and back to me. He visibly deflated, said his goodbyes, and sulked over to me. "Mood killer," he muttered.

“And I’ve told you, you can sire bastards on your own time.” I gave the miss a short bow. “I apologize for the inconvenience.”

"But it is my own time!" He whined.

I scoffed. “Until I deliver you to the local authorities, I’m still your keeper. Now come on, I don’t want to get caught in the horde of tourists.”

"You let me play longer than normal. What were you up to?"

I stopped walking and looked down. Ned turned back at me while my eye kept twitching at the thought.

“I now just realized something.”

"And that is...?" He made a strange face, the one normally made when trying to determine whether that's a man or a woman sitting alone at a bar.

I looked back up. We made eye contact and in my most deadpan tone; I said,

“Weedles aren’t native here.”

“…and they flew towards the mountains northeast of here.”

Ned's face brightened considerably at this news. "Well, sounds like you have your hands full! I think I'll go back to my extracurricular activities while you tend to this very important matter."

"And while I tend to this very important matter", I moved my arm behind my back and squeezed my fist. "You will be practicing something that I'm sure you're quite unfamiliar with."

If he wasn't the very embodiment of depravity, I'd think the man before me was trying to let out a confused squee.

The squeal was cut off into a choking noise. Tom had moved into position and held him down with a Mean Look.

“You’re going to be abstinent, away from your damned vices and if you’re lucky, I might even give you a head start.”

"Fine, what are we doing?"

"What you're doing is run and hope she's not-" A shrill beeping made itself known and I looked at the Xtransceiver on my wrist. The interface changed into a message log and I read through its contents.

I gave Ned a pitious smirk, "Never mind. You're free to go."

I nodded to Tom and he ceased the Mean Look, leaping back into my shadow.

Shouting could be heard somewhere nearby, the owner of the voice was female and very familiar...


The shameless manwhore in question now showed a face I had seen very rarely: Pure terror. He fumbled through his Pokéballs until he found the one for his Gastrodon. "Igottagodosomething!" Ned yelped, heading towards a railing.

Does he really think... "I wouldn't try that if I were-"

The splash's roar deafened my warning. Apparently, he does think she would not have the foresight to cover the pier beforehand.

A shrill saurian shriek later, I walked over to railing to see Ned narrowly dodging various projectiles ranging from Icicle Spears to Aurora Beams.

For a Gastrodon, the slug was quite nimble with its evasive maneuvers.

He should be fine, she hasn't-


...I spoke too soon.

Cloyster, who was likely having been waiting in the water from the very beginning, slammed its shell shut with tremendous force, shattering it. A second shell revealed itself, smoother and less rigid than the first.

The water boiled from the carapace's impact, and sent Cloyster flying towards Ned and Gastrodon. It clamped onto him, tore him away from Gastrodon, and tossed him like a ragdoll to the surface, hurling towards the deck.

All was quiet save Ned's heavy breathing, the tide crashing below, and the slow, rhythmic tapping of high heels on the worn wood.

Well then, I do believe this is personal business.

I'll be going now.

"Aaaauughhh... My ribs..."

As tempting as it was, I did not turn back to see what was causing the emasculating screams that came afterwards.

End of Prologue

Please review and comment!

Last edited by Jain vi Bookshelvia on Wed Feb 26, 2014 5:20 pm; edited 1 time in total
Jain vi Bookshelvia
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Re: Book I: Sinning Tree, the Poisoned Fruit of God. Prologue. (A Pokémon Fanfiction)

Post by Razren on Wed Feb 26, 2014 5:15 pm

Alright, let's begin. I am a big fan of Pokemon, so fanboyism might play a role in this, but I will simply say this:

PRESENTATION 5/5: For an opening chapter, this has promise. It introduces the characters without throwing exposition at us, which is a good thing. It is formatted well, without having big blobs of text...and the dialogue is distinct enough to where I can always tell what's going on.

WRITING STYLE 5/5: The piece flowed and kept me interested, and while it used a large range of vocabulary at points, I personally always understood what was going on.

CHARACTER 3/5: I understand that Ned isn't the main character...but he seems to be a little bit of a blank slate. I feel the character hinting was a little too subtle, and your main character seems very one dimensional right now...but it is an opening chapter so I can't really complain.

DETAIL 4/5: For the most part, the detail was impressive. However, at times it seemed to skim over some smaller areas, and the fights seemed slightly lackluster compared to the buildings and areas.

Overall this is a very good piece and I don't feel the Pokemon label is what is interesting me in it. It is very well constructed, and I would love to see more of it.
Roleplay Master

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